I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
