i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
