The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
