Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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