Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
