i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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