thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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