I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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