woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
