That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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