True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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