**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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