Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
