I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
