I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
