I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
