I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
