I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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