You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
