Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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