Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
