I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
