I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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