I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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