Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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