So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
