I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
