So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
