im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
