just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
