I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
