rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I intend to get homeless drunk
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
