Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
