woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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