honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
