OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
