she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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