There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
