i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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