when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
