I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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