im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
