Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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