you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
