I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
