Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
