they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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