when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
