No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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