she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think your dad took our porno
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
