Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
